I left a mommy group on Saturday afternoon in tears. I managed to make it to the car before I started crying, but the tears started flowing fast and furious as I buckled my 6 month old son into his car seat. I have never felt so bad about myself and my identity as a mother. I pride myself on being a good mother. And yet within an hour this mommy group managed to destroy my self-esteem and image of a good mother. And the worst part? It was over my child's nap schedule. NAP SCHEDULE. Or, to be more accurate, my lack of a nap schedule. These women have set schedules and routines for their children. Everyday. Every single day. That means on the weekend an activity, such as lunch, visiting a friend, going on a run, going to grandmas, etc. falls during a nap time they just don't go. They prioritize nap time over every other aspect of their lives. Does it make me selfish that I don't/won't do that? I know he needs to nap, but half the time at home he will only get a few 30 minute cat naps a day even if we aren't doing anything. I just feel like life is too short to run back home for his afternoon nap. I try to get him to sleep, but I am not going to cancel things on the 50/50 chance he might sleep. Besides, he sleeps in the car about 70 percent of time anyway. I want to see the world. And trust me, my son does to. My child does not nap very well. He never has. He came out of the womb
wide-eyed and ready to take on the world. In all his newborn pictures
his big eyes are staring at the camera. He was never destined to be
napper. Apparently I never napped as a child. Legend has it my husband never napped as baby either. Have I made my point? My baby doesn't nap well.
So the trouble all started on Saturday when my child got a little fussy after being on the baby swing (and I am sure I got some sideways glances for swinging my child higher than the other moms were swing their kids.) I knew my baby was tired because he only slept for about 45 minutes earlier in the day. We went to my birthday lunch and he slept in the car afterwards and then it was time for the mommy play group. I made the mistake of telling these women that my child only slept for 45 minutes that day. A few of these ladies were aghast. They weren't all overtly aghast, but the judgement was clearly on a few of their faces. One lady in particular launched into a monologue about the importance of sleep for their happiness and growing brains. Strongly implying (at least this is how I interpreted it) that my baby was going to be miserable and stupid because I haven't submitted to a master nap schedule. Of course this triggered a flood of emotions in me. Am I a horrible mom? Is my child going to hate me because he didn't get at least three hours of napping a day? Is my child going to be stupid? Is he going to have a developmental delay because of me? Am I a bad mom for wanting to go to my birthday lunch? Should I cancel my scheduled run with a friend on the weekends? At this point I could feel the tears forming so I got up politely, said my goodbyes, and fled to my car.
Now in full disclosure I haven't had a full nights sleep in 6 months so I am a little bit emotional. But so far my experience of mom groups has been a little unnerving. I don't even think these ladies meant to bring me to tears. Individually they all seem like very nice women. One I have known since we were in high school and I don't think she has a mean bone in her body. And really it was only the one mom who seemed to be on a parenting rampage against me. But I still felt a little like that girl in high school being picked on by the mean girls. I think the problem is that mommy groups are supposed to be a time to
meet up, let babies interact, support one another. But the issue is that most moms are constantly judging each other. I don't
even think that we realize it most of the time. At another mommy group
last week someone started talking about labor, and it instantly became
an unsaid competition. Whose labors was longest, who didn't get
an epidural, etc. I fully admit that I joined in on the competition and
proudly toted my all natural birth. It's the same thing with parenting
styles. All of sudden these groups that are supposed to be
fun turn into a little bit of competition for these women. Seemingly well-intended parenting advice feels like a personal
attack. Because parenting is personal. This is your child they are
talking about. Your mommy skills. Criticism feels like you have
been branded with a Scarlett, "Bad Mom" across your chest.
I joined a facebook baby group for local moms and I asked a question about how to end co-sleeping. I feel like my husband and I just don't sleep that well with a baby in
the middle of the bed so I want to get my son to sleep in his crib all
night. Oh yeah, we've ended up as a family that co-sleeps about half the time. Some nights he stays in his crib, some nights he ends up in the middle of our bed. So depending on what type of mom you are on this issue I am either going to roll over on my kid in my sleep, or somehow injure him, or I am a bad mom for even suggesting that I kick him out of our bed. This online mommy group has over 15 responses to my question. But they aren't really helpful responses, a few told me it was too early to kick him out of our bed, a few told me to consider the idea of swaddling him, (as though they had invented the concept of swaddling) and more than one told me to be thankful that I was getting more than 45 minutes of sleep in a row. Even my question became a competition among the moms, whose baby sleeps through the night because of swaddling and routine and on the other end of the spectrum whose baby could keep the parents up all night. In other words, we were all playing "Are you mom enough?" as the recent cover of
Time magazine illustrated. Although
Time Magazine was talking about breastfeeding, I think these mommy groups find any aspect of parenting to be competitive about. Let's not even talk about breastfeeding. I am still doing it and it has gotten easier and more enjoyable, but I still maintain it is one of the hardest things about being a new mom and I am in no place to judge anyone about their feeding choices.
I joined all of these mommy groups because most of my friends don't have babies yet, or the ones that do are very busy or live too far away for play dates. I want to socialize my baby and meet other women going through the same thing as me. But I don't want the competition. I have no idea how to stop the competition, how to not take the advice so personally, or even how to not join in on the competition. I try really hard not to give parenting advice, the only time I say something is when I see people looking at breast pumps at the store. I always feel the need to tell them they can rent a better one from the hospital. I learned this the hard way after buying a piece of crap pump for 150 dollars. But other than that I try really hard not to give advice. And now that I think about it, that advice might be kind of annoying to a new mom as well. I might just be bitter, but I know that all babies are different. What worked for your baby might not work for mine. Yes, I know I should probably do better with a baby sleep routine. I know nursing him to sleep isn't ideal and I know we should put him down when he falls asleep in our arms. But sometimes we just want to stare at that cute little face so peacefully sleeping in our arms. One day far too soon he will probably be over 6 feet tall staring down at me. I want to cherish these moments when he is so little. I know these moms think that they are just trying to be kind when they start offering up tips and telling me which parenting books I should read. (Where they find the time to read all these books is beyond me. Writing this blog post will probably take me at least a few days or it will be completed in the wee hours of the morning when my child is sleeping).
If I could have an honest conversation with these women I would like to say that I would love to hear stories about the funny things your child does. How your baby reacts to shots, new faces, glasses and beards. I want to be friends with you. I want to discuss how tired we all are. I want to discuss what a trip parenting is. I would love, love, love to share a glass of wine with you and laugh about poop stories. But please don't judge what I am doing with my kid. If I am not beating him, he is clothed, and happy, then let it go. It's not like I am poking my kid at night to keep him awake. Most of the time I am not sure what I am doing with my son. I just do
what seems to work for us. So far he seems to be happy and he is in the
90th percentile across the board. So I feel like I am doing something
right. But I am not all that organized and thus routines have never
been a strong point for me.
So now I am at a loss. I will probably have to bow out of the online facebook group because every time a new post pops up in my newsfeed I am literally filled with anxiety. I am not sure what to do about mommy groups. I think I might need to toughen up my skin. A lot. Take their advice with a grain of salt and know that my baby loves me and he is happy and that is all that matters in the end. I am not quite ready to give up on these mom groups yet, I think my son needs to be exposed to other babies. Maybe I should start my own mommy meet up. An appropriate title might be, "My baby doesn't sleep, sometimes I give him formula, he eats jarred baby food and we don't really have a routine. Come join me with a glass of wine and we can laugh about it."
